Week 13: A Moment With Johnny

5 05 2010


Big J Has His Say

“A true renaissance man, Johnny never misses an opportunity to express himself,” says Johnny Hoelting, who often complains that he appears too frequently in Reacharound Clubhouse.

“Johnny and Ben were kind of screwing around and they saw the thing and they work pretty well together, generally,” Johnny continued, “so they thought, ‘let’s take that energy and put it into a show.'”

Johnny bills himself as the official muse of Reacharound Clubhouse.  He once shared this anecdote with me:

“I wanted to go to dance camp after eighth grade, but my dad made me go to golf camp.  He told me I wouldn’t meet girls at dance camp.  So I went to golf camp and got my first kiss… with a lesbian in a tool shed.  It was not hot.  It did nothing for me.  When you were twelve, did you ever worry you were gay?”

Interested, I pressed Johnny to explain his views on capital punishment.

“It’s all about what age group you want to kill.  Seems like people who are against capital punishment are pro-abortion, and vice-versa.  I guess it’s just what age group you’re into killing.  Whatever works, ay?”

I expressed to Mr. Hoelting that his opinion might offend some.  He replied, “I don’t care,” and proceeded to belch.  “But you’re a television personality; someone young people look up to,” I said.  “You’ll create a minor stir.”

“If kids are stupid enough to believe what they see on TV, then they deserve to, uh, you know what I mean.”

On campus, Johnny excels in his posts as Mayor of Safety Town and President of the Star Wars Three-Dimensional Chess Team, but as his academics have become increasingly grueling, he’s had to give up being Vice President of the School of Business Mathletes.

Johnny was conceived by his parents on the set of Crocodile Dundee II, where his father was a gaffer and his mother portrayed “woman at counter” in the film.  From that moment, they knew Johnny would be born… if their plans failed.  Unfortunately, 1988 contraceptive technology had not caught up with the sexual needs of the day’s youth.  Thus, we are blessed with the Johnny’s ability to not take up too much space.

“Oh goodness,” remarked Johnny, flipping through an album of pictures of himself, “what have I become?!”

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